Are You You?

I listen to Joji’s Music a lot. He stands out in mainstream hip hop with his beats and vocals, but not with his lyrics. While doomscrolling on Instagram I saw an ad about his upcoming concert in London. I clicked the link, saw the seats and prices. Compared seats to decide which one provides better view for the photos. I took screenshot of the concert area, sent it to a friend, asking for suggestion(as he has been to concerts)

He said to check if the cameras are allowed in the concert and apparently they are not. So I cancelled everything. No photo, no story. I want to go there to show that I saw him with my own eyes.I have to prove it with the picture.

And it hit me. I want to experience something to show that I experienced it. I am living for other people. Look at the camera as a “cool guy”. Snap it, choose the better angle, edit the pimples in my face. Spend another 10 minutes choosing the song for it. Add the post to my carefully curated Instagram grid. I spent years to create this identity. The cool guy, the one that travels, the one that is fun to hang out with. The one that dresses well. The one that has taste, which is influenced by current trends

I am not living, just performing.

Can I want for myself? Can I do something only and only for myself. Can I go to Sicily, enjoy the pizza at the beach and let nobody know about it?

I am not in charge of my choices, thoughts and dreams.

All these words sound performative, and they are. Overcritising and overreflecting.

I know people who don’t have Instagram. Or have it and don’t post anything. I envy them. It is this urge from high school, the urge of being a “cool guy”. It is hard for me to be funny, and I don’t have the beauty privilige.

After school, I came to London. So it made things even difficult. Now everything was alien to me. Even today I feel I don’t belong here. I never had that feeling.